Down the Looking Glass
by Tiamat's Child
Summary: Hinoto searches for a way out.


Title: Down the Looking Glass

Series: X

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Drama

Characters: Hinoto

Disclaimer: None of them are mine. Sniff.

Warnings: F/F content, non consensual groping, lots of nightmare imagry...

Summary: Hinoto searches for a way out.

Note: Anyone spot the Dylan reference? I love that man...

Down the Looking Glass

Tiamat's Child

It is cold down here. A sneaky, slinking, skulking cold that crawls quietly under your skin and slides through your flesh to settle against your bones and gnaw on them. There's a soul killing cold here. A suffocating chill that winds its way around your throat like a silk scarf and pulls hard, blocking off your life.

It is dark here too. Dark like the dark places that lurk behind the stars. Dark like the backs of caves, hidden deep beneath the bones of stone that hold up the land. Only it's not as pure as stars, and it's not as comforting as caves. No, this is ugly darkness. Darkness that would be more then happy to eat you alive if it could. Happy to tear at you from the inside till it crawls all the way through and lays you out on the ground like some ancient sacrifice, skin torn and peeled away from the flesh, muscle shredded and pulled away from the bone, wooden stakes pinning tendons to the soft earth.

I can't get away. The surface of the pool above me is somehow solid. Not a hard sort of solid, like ice, but a soft sort of solid that seems to yield for just a moment before rebounding and sending my hand bouncing back towards me. It's a cruel tease. The perfect touch.

I have to find a way to get out. There has to be one, there always is. Surely the ceiling has some weak point somewhere. I can't give up, I don't dare to. But it's so hard and I'm so tired and the more I struggle the more it hurts and...

Tears. There are tears on my cheeks. Oh, how odd. How long have I been crying? Why can't I remember?

Funny. They feel different from the water of the pool that surrounds me. The water is cold, but my tears are warm, hot even. My eyes are swollen and burning. They hurt from the stinging of the salt in my tears. Oh. I'm still crying. Imagine that.

I hurt. Hurt all over, pain whispering in my veins, playing up the sides of my skin. My heart has been torn open and hollowed out, leaving noting but an empty ache in the left side of my chest. I don't want it to hurt anymore. Why can't I just go numb?

Daisuke, I wish you were here just to hold me. Where has your soul gone, my protecter, my friend? Your body is ashes, ashes and dust, dust and ashes, just the same as the city, but your soul...I am sure your soul is somewhere else. I wonder where. I pray that no part of you hhas been bound to this world, and yet...I would give anything to say goodbye properly, the way I never got a chance to.

No. I will not wish it. May you be free from pain and fear, Daisuke. I, at least, will remember you always.

You were my hope for the future. My brother, my friend, my protector, my living heart, you were all these things and more. I miss you dearly. I will never forget you.

Kanoe? Sister? Kanoe, there is a secret I must tell you. A horrible something that I have to say or it will fester. A nightmare that I need you to sooth away, as I soothed your nightmares when we were both children. Please listen, Kanoe. Please listen.

It doesn't seem as if it could have been real. Those hands sliding over my faint curves weren't really there. I dreamed how demanding they were, how insistent. It couldn't have happened. My darker self could not have forced her mouth onto mine. It couldn't have been real, but if it wasn't then why am I here?

It was real. I didn't dream shockingly strong arms holding me, keeping me from struggling. I didn't dream harsh kisses down my neck and shoulders. I didn't dream hands plucking insistently at my clothing. I didn't dream any of it.

I want to make the memory go away. I want to never be that helpless again. But I still am that helpless. I'm still caught by that other me. I'm still lost.

Please Kanoe, come and find me. I need help and you are the only one left who loves me more then duty. Please my sister, I want to be able to hug you and tell you how afraid I am. Please come, I need you. 

But you can't find me, can you? I'm hidden too well, locked too far away. I can't wait for you to save me, I'm going to have to save myself.

How? I don't know how. I know how to rescue others, I know how to pull at the threads of time and history, but I don't know how to fight myself. For once in my life I have no plan.

The darkness around me whispers gently in my ear, suddenly as considerate and sweet as a lover. It wraps its razor edges in black silk, pretending to be harmless, hiding the danger behind thin veils. It takes on a seductive appearance, murmuring promises sweet as silvered honey.

'relax,' it purrs, 'just calm down. don't struggle so hard. lean back. let go. fall. fall into me and tumble down. i'll catch you. i'll take your pain and lock it up somewhere far away so you don't have to look at it. let go. come to me.'

I close my eyes and shudder, trying to block out those deadly sweet slitherings. I'm not fooled. I am being offered death, extinquishment of self. I will not listen. Even though it is tempting I will not surrender. I will not go quietly into the gentle night.

Since Daisuke loved me greatly, and trusted me just as much as he loved me, I cannot give up. Who would I be if I violated his faith like that? It would be a crime against my memory of him, and against myself. So I cannot give up.

Since Kanoe loves me enough to destroy herself for me, I must be able to find a way to live for her. I cannot simply stop trying and leave her to the tender mercies of my darker self. I must escape and overpower this other part of me, if only so that she cannot harm my sister.

It's all because loving people binds you to the world. It means you can't simply give up on the future or on life. You have to keep trying, even when you're sure that the trying will kill you. Because if you don't try then you are worse then nothing. 

Black water fills my lungs, robbing me of strength. But I still keep fighting, because, despite it all, I know that I have to live. Even though I want it badly, I can't have my wish.

I raise my hand, and begin to pound against the solid surface of the spring.


End file.
